“Should I stay—Or should I go?”

I suppose the pregnancy wasn’t a complete surprise—It’s not like we were trying or not trying for the past 3 years. I honestly just did not want to think about it. After all that Ate Marra went through, I wasn’t ready (and probably wouldn’t have ever been ready) to find out if I could get/stay pregnant or not. I did know that we were not getting any younger and that Dennis has been ready to be a father for quite some time even though he never pressured me to start a family.

We went over to Mark and Christina’s for dinner one night after our failed job search at UNI in early February. I jokingly said, “Screw it! If we’re not going abroad this year, we might as well have a baby.”

Mark seemed unfazed—being his calm, cool self—but it was one of those double-take moments for Dennis. His head did one of those mini-shakes, eyes wide and mouth open. “Are you serious?!?” He asked almost frantically. He didn’t even allow me to respond—“You can’t take it back!”

I think it was one of the happiest moments for Dennis, and even though part of me rationalized the statement with the fact that the likelihood of us going abroad was slim-to-none and the fact that at 37 and 32, Dennis and I probably couldn’t wait much longer, I knew how happy Dennis (and everyone) would be. I have to admit that I didn’t know how seriously Dennis would take it. From keeping track of my cycle to asking female colleagues about the best way to conceive a baby (boy), Dennis was all over the pregnancy thing.

He actually suspected that I was pregnant—I was a bit oblivious since we were in the middle of interviews and contract negotiations. Regardless of who thought what or when, one thing was certain: the whole going abroad to teach became much more complicated.

There were a lot of reasons for us to stay. I had a job that compensated well, a supportive manager and a pretty stable work environment even as a contractor. Dennis was well-liked and respected at Starbuck Middle School and had the luxury of having wonderful colleagues. We lived a comfortable lifestyle and could have easily upgraded our 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom condo to a larger home. We were also well-equipped to help my family with unforeseen challenges. We would have loved to be around all the kids in the family (Micailla, Paolo, Paulene, Acelle and Kobe—not to mention all of the other kids from extended family and friends). Most importantly, we would love to have our family around our baby.

Aside for missing family and friends, all of our reasons to stay played a role in our reasons to go. Had I been a permanent full-time employee instead of a contractor, or had it been possible for me to start teaching in the near future (not very likely with the deep cuts in education), maybe it would have been different. We’d be lying if we said that there were more reasons for us to go than for us to stay, or to imply that our reasons for going abroad were more compelling than our reasons to stay. Perhaps it was more selfish on our part, but we just felt that it was time and we didn’t know if this time would come again.